Whatup Everyone. (Not that many people since I've only gotten 35 hits since the 21st...lol)
Although this is my personal online spot. Beats, rhymes, and articles that are related to things I like.
On the topic of things I like. I have a new girlfriend (Nina). To be completely honest, there couldn't be a better time for her to come in my life. I'm having some wack times in my life at the moment. Seems like in my recent past, I focused so much one one aspect of my life (work) that, I had forgotten the things that used to make me happy. She is a reminder of how I can be happy in this life. Even if just for the moments I'm by her side, or thinking of her. No worries, no expectations, just being myself without judgment and no drama. Just Clarity that 2 people enjoy being with each other.
Now one thing that some people know me whom are close is that, I tend to drink during my rough times, and drink hard. The circumstances I'm currently in, is definitely a time in my life in which my mind says "Go get drunk E, things are wack! You should have some fun the good old fashioned way." My mind can sometimes be my Favorite Nightmare.
Thinking back on some of the "good times", it makes me think of that song. "The good times are killing me" by Modest Mouse. Whenever I was reaching for that "Fun" in the past couple of years, it tends to result in scenarios where i'm like "dang, I need to make some changes."
Right now it seems like the changes were made before I realized I needed to make some changes...lol. It's funny that, with each job I have had, I grow just that more to be the Man that hopefully is what God wants me to be.
I had made some stupid decisions prior to being with Nina.
Mostly choices made by me being confused. Being un-sure of whom I was, and what I really wanted in life. I knew what I didn't want (settling for something that I was just telling myself was what i wanted instead of KNOWING for sure it's what I want) but, didn't know where I was heading or wanted to head.
So I went on an alcohol binge while I was trying to figure myself out. And during that time I ended up in a scenario where I was considering to want to sleep with someone (Deyanira Zavala), I'm glad I took my own advice and backed away before I ever did anything. After I turned away from wanting to act on impulse, she notified me she was engaged to her boyfriend and would get married with him after he gets out of jail. Good move on my part to back off huh? That moment really was a turning point where I decided to think with the RIGHT HEAD. Respect another Man's woman. Crazy how in this day and age, it's as if, people are like "YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER DUDE???" They'll be more surprised that I didn't do it, as opposed to hearing if I did.
Now after the Scenario with backing away from Dee, I came accross a pretty cool chick (Tara). She was from Mattoon. The chemistry seemed to be good accross the phone and online. The true test came when I went to visit her (quite the drive). Pause, I think i'm the only guy that I know that is willing to travel great lengths in search for love. The true question is...is that sad?...Un-Pause (lol). So I went to chill with her for 3 nights and 2 days (sounds like a vegas trip right? lol). I totally dug the girl but I came to find out that no matter how much someone will tell you they like you, and they like your presence...eyes dont lie. I knew that my eyes weren't looking at a pair of eyes that saw me the same way.
I think it was the first time in my life where, I was actually not the one pushing the person away. It was an important lesson because I have lived a life where I push away things when I realize they're not meant for me. I'm the one ready to press the "game over" button if it doesn't feel or seem right. To be on the other side of the spectrum, it was a feeling where I didn't feel bad or mad or sad, but just grateful to her for being honest.
I guess I have come across so many lies in the past that, honesty even if it's to push me away, I can only appreciate it. So with that said, thanks for the experience Tara.
***On a side note, I apologize for the long ass blog entry but, I guess i'm just hitting a moment of clarity while i'm typing so please bare with me...lol.
Well after the scenarios with leaving my ex, then talking Dee and being with Tara for that short period of time, as everyone knows my car windows got busted in an act of vandalism by someone. Possibly from 2 of the 3 above, or possibly from someone completely random around the neighborhood?
I think those shattered windows that I saw when I walked up to my car was a symbol of what I had temporarily become.
Just a dude that had been so confused and shattered and basically just left there bruised from the confusion.
It's funny because my dad has never really given me any father to son advice although 2 pieces of information he told me are related to cars. LOL. Your car is a reflection of yourself. And in this sense, I realized what I had been.
The other piece of information that my dad told me when i was a kid is "Treat your car like your woman. You treat it like shit, dont take care of it, dont take it out from time to time, and keep an eye on her and make sure she's ok, she'll leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere" LOL. One of the few times I have gotten advice from my dad but, will never forget it.
So yeah, I was just a messed up dude. So I ended up just secluding myself to a very small group of people from work that I kept in touch with and hung out with. Of course, during this time I was drinking alot.
The funny thing is that, my association to alcohol and people from work, brought tension from a person that doesn't like to see people happy and enjoy themselves and brought drama for me in the workplace.
By this time, I have been so used to bad experiences, I wasn't mad or upset, but rather was kind of waiting for the bad news to hit.
And it did. There was no proof of what I was accused of, so I was fired for "falsification of punch time documentation". LOL. Forgot to punch in and out of lunch when I went on lunch with some co-workers and I got fired the first chance they got.
Management had changed, the company had changed. It's funny because about 3 weeks before I got fired I remember telling my supervisor "hey dude, you know what's one thing I have realized? It's that, I no longer am working for the same company I originally got hired for." His response was "and it will keep on changing E, things will never be how they were again."
So me being gone I think is a result of me no longer being in a department of a company with the same values anymore.
Although similar to the experiences recently prior to that, I learned alot from that job and will always be grateful for their opportunities while I was there.
As like my last beat says in the sample, I was hiding that I was "dying inside"
So now it's March. A couple of months have passed from the girl drama and only a few weeks from the work drama.
My anxiety is finally getting under control. Nina really is a good reminder that I do deserve to be happy.
Looking for a new job and i'm very confident that I can only achieve more at my next job than I did at my last one.
Getting back into making music (as I have made 2 new beats in the past 2 weeks...back on my grind like I used to be)
I'm slowly making those changes needed.
I got my girl some flowers yesterday (even though I mis-understood she wouldn't be home at the time I thought she would...lol. I felt like such a dork saying "i'm at your house with some flowers" and she wasn't there. LOL, It's the thought that counts afterall right? LOL) I'm glad she loved them.
I just hope things get better and my relationship grows to be as good as it currently feels.
I'm just looking forward to what lies ahead.
I'll keep ya'll posted on whatsup later on.
Laters.
-E
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